This week was very difficult. In general I cannot say that I enjoyed it very much, it was a struggle to continue. For many parts of the day I felt tired and heavy, and didn't feel like going to exercise classes or lectures. When I was physically tired and heavy, also my mind felt tired and heavy and quickly irritated. Sometimes I felt physically less tired and then also my mind was happier and relaxed.
This experience has been a confirmation for me of the holistic nature of human beings and particularly of well-being. Even though most of the time I did not feel very good this week, the experience of my well-being going up and down and the connection it showed between my physical and mental experience poses a positive perspective for the future. Namely, that taking care of yourself, finding a better balance in terms of food and exercise, can have a very powerful effect, also for your thoughts and feelings.
In daily life my negative thoughts and feelings bother me more than my physical discomforts (even though I am not super healthy, I experience my physical discomforts as minor discomforts). Of course, studying and training your mind can be useful and important. For me, so far, this has not been as effective as I would like. That is why I am hopeful when I notice what a difference my physical well-being can make also for my mental/emotional well-being.
I think that in daily life I tend to overeat and this has a very negative influence on my body/mind/health. I know that it is best to accept that change can often only happen slowly, and that we should allow ourselves that time and patience.
It was very nice of Anna (member of the staff) to point that out. I think that two days of non-salt diet should be very doable for me, with a bit of effort and planning. Maybe not every week, but at least once a month or every few weeks. I would really like to continue this study and see what repetition does to my body. I hope that with time, my appetite will decrease, and I will feel better what my body really needs, and that I will desire these things.
Something that I take from this week is the wisdom that you should not determine what is good for you just by thinking and holding on to fixed ideas. I think my attitude towards what is good for me is often a bit too "rational", and that this results in forcing ideas and plans for life-style on myself that do not work. This then leaves me frustrated and disappointed in myself.
Another wisdom that I take from this week (a bit related to the one I just mentioned) comes from a lecture of Master Oki that I (re)read here - it got its real meaning for me after the dancing session with Anneke (member of the staff). Master Oki said something like that we should not try to imitate him, that he realised his own nature, that he only does what he does because this is what he really wants. He did not set himself rules and then followed them, but he found who he really was and went all the way in allowing himself to be that way, and not any other way because of politeness or expectations of others.
This indicates that Oki yoga and the Oki yoga journey is less fixed than I maybe sometimes think. Even though we get offered particular things here at the dojo, which fit into a certain frame, this does not mean that we should see this as an end goal, something that we should mold our lives into. Rather, we are obliged to our own life-force to see our training here as a means, a way to become stronger and learn through research. This should help us discover our own nature and build the strength, wisdom and flexiblity to realise our own nature.
This will not be easy, since in society there are very strong structures and institutes that tend to guide us in our behaviour, and that structure how we think we should live.
Of course we do not all have to go as far as Master Oki did. I think it is okay if we make some compromises with the culture we live in and the people and customs that surround us. But it would be good to be more conscious of this and to feel the freedom to shape our own life and person, instead of letting ourselves be guided by fixed ideas of who we are and who we should be, and how we should live our lives.
I am very grateful for everything in my life, but I tend to forget about this freedom and have fixed ideas of what makes me happy and what should be my direction in life. This results in me forgetting about or neglecting sides of myself that don't always fit naturally in the structures of my life right now, like my wilder and more spontaneous side, which sometimes comes out when I dance in a place where I feel I can really let go. After the dancing session with Anneke I realised that part of what is keeping me from letting this side develop and manifest itself, is fear. I should not run from this fear, it is also part of life-force and if you face it, it can bring beautiful things.
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